Hug it Out

image: http://www.reamesdreams.com/pattern.htm

Hurrying down the street to my 2nd of three dates the other day, I wished I had been walking more slowly, the better to pick up what I was hearing and seeing. A middle-aged woman sitting behind a small table, which held what could have been an obscure string instrument or a large jewelry-making machine (use your imagination -- I had no clue), saying into her cell phone, "...nothing too intense. Friends with benefits -- hugging benefits."

Romantic Thriathalon

Do's and Don'ts for a Three-First-Dates Sunday

image: www.womanaroundtown.com

DO make sure all three dates are within walking distance from your house.

Also, DO wear comfortable shoes.
DON'T blow your lead. If you have 10 minutes before you have to leave for the next date, don't start folding laundry, reading another chapter in your book, or doing one more chore in the kitchen.

DO buy a few bags of frozen veggies -- there will be scant time for workweek-food prep in between seeing your suitors.

DON'T schedule them all exactly back-to-back. You'll need time to change your shirt if it's a hot day.

DO take a moment to refresh your memory about each gentleman before each date. There is nothing worse than asking, "So, do you have any siblings?" when he has already told you over email that he just returned from a trip to Brazil with his sister, who also happens to be his best friend in the whole, wide, world.

What's more, DO practice saying the person's name once or twice, especially if, say, two of the guys have names that right with each other ("Thanks for the tea, Ronald. I mean, DONALD!").
DON'T do anything silly like stuff your still-damp hair under your sunhat the hour before Date #1, imagining that this will somehow "set" your summer-humidity curls. If you do, you may find yourself with five minutes to fix a situation like this:

Then again, if such a situation arises,
DO play it off like it was exactly the look you
were going for! image: www.myspaceantics.com

DON'T forget to take a moment of quiet in between rendezvous, to cleanse your palate and get centered. By Numero Tres, you may start to feel a tad winded.

DO pinch yourself as you're hurrying to meet Mr. Third, since, what a fun life you live!

On-Call Dating

We all receive work calls/emails outside the office now and then, and, yes, they interrupt social functions. Bummer, but, I get it. And, obviously, doctors have that whole "potential life-threatening emergency" thing to deal with, so slack can be cut for medical professionals.

Nonetheless, I was entirely amazed during a date with a psychiatrist who was not, it must be stated, officially on-call that night. After returning a page from the car on the way to the restaurant ("I really shouldn't be having this conversation in front of you, for confidentiality reasons, but..."), he took two more calls regarding the same not-on-death's-door patient. Props to him for being responsible. The calls aren't my beef. But, I really thought he might step away from the table while he worked. Au contraire, mes amies! Instead, he sat there the whole time, and I heard every not-my-beeswax word. Maybe he thought it would have been ruder to leave me alone, but I'd opt for my own company rather than silently chewing my steak and trying not to listen/make eye contact as he negotiated with irate relatives about the care plan for a seriously troubled woman whose husband had left it to the sisters to advocate on her behalf while he stayed home. (See what I mean? TMI x 100!)

On the other hand, I guess I could have retreated, myself, and called him on his other line: "Paging Dr. ______. This date is in Code Red!"

In sum, this reminds me to glad things never got off the ground with the ER doc. There is always a silver lining...

More Romantic Than Morse Code

An online dating suitor recently wanted to take our email courtship to the next level. He wrote, very respectfully, "Do you have a phone or fax number you can be reached?"

Dewey vs. Cupid or "I Think My Librarian is Trying to Tell Me Something"

I knew the public library was an information treasure trove. It hadn't occurred to me that I would get relationship advice without cracking a book!

Where Not to Meet a Man, v.5

Belly Dancing Lessons!

Dancer: Rosa Noreen

In fact, much as we adore them, men seem distinctly beside the point in this class. I'm a newbie, but, to me, belly dancing seems to be about celebrating femininity, appreciating our bodies and enjoying our ability to move them. It's empowerment and exercise swathed in scarves and sparkles and set to irresistible music. All this and the chance to meet new gal pals. What's not to love? 

 

Dancer: Athena Najat photographed by Denise Marino

Special thanks to Rosa Noreen and Athena Najat, professional belly dancers and alumnae of Walnut Hill School for the Arts, for inspiring me to explore their enchanting craft.

Nagging My Way Into/Out Of His Heart

My follow-up on the allergy-ridden sound guy is slow in coming, as I am still shaking my head over my unimpressive showing.

The stage was well set, giving him both the opening salvo and the chance to poke fun at me -- universal good omens. I came around a corner and he was on the other side, shushing people because a speech was underway in the nearby auditorium.

Him: I should have known it would be you making all that noise!
Me: [Adorable guilty-as-charged face.]

Pause to allow crowd to file into auditorium.

Me: [Whispering now, out of necessity, and, necessarily, leaning in closer to be heard] Did you try the Neti Pot yet? I'm telling you, it changed my life!
Him: [Whispering in kind] I promise, I'll try it, then I'll report back to you.

Gulp! At this point, friends, I admit, I am startled. He had been so standoffish before, I couldn't believe he was so readily creating some reason for future interactions. That's the only excuse I have for what came out of my mouth next...

Me: Yes, you definitely have to! And, also, you need to stop smoking! It makes your allergies so much worse.

Blimey! Stop smoking?? Immediately, I see the error of my ways. Without waiting for a response, I flash what I hope is my most winning smile, then scamper off to sit through the lecture and ponder such an amateurish slip. When consulted, my favorite workplace wingwoman comments, "Ooh, aggressive!"

Who cares that I would never actually date a smoker, and that this entire flirtation is moot. The point is simply to prolong it! And here, gentle reader, I have nipped it in the bud. Or, butt, as the case may be. Pity me.

He Has a Way With Words

It serves me right for being cheap and signing up at a free online dating service. Still, this is one for the record books...

___________________________________________________________________

		Hello there Blondie, You have a message from Edstah85. Edstah85's message begins: I couldn't help but notice you like kids. Are you available to babysit?? View your Inbox

Meeting, greeting, retreating...

Oh, holy eavesdropping!

image: http://www.esquire.com/features/firstdate0208

I'm not doing this on purpose, but can't resist. I am at my local coffee haunt, overhearing what is most certainly a first date. The guy has just asked a girl if she'd like to come watch a game at his house and then "sleep over." Just flat-out, like that! It appears that she is tolerating this silliness, for some reason.

A few other gems from this dude (who, to be fair, seems clueless, but harmless):
"I'm gonna get my own place..."
"Are you the kind of girl who wants to, like, go to Montreal, and trips like that?"
"It never works out to bring girls camping..."
"You're tired. You're tired. What time is it? Well, if you want to hang out one more hour..."

I promise, it's not my goal to embarrass or make fun of anyone. But, ladies, here's the takeaway: it's OK to end the date! Anytime after 20 minutes, you're golden and can make a polite, and hasty, retreat.

Bon soir, Monsieur. xx

Brawling with Bonaparte

Small man, large equine!
image: http://www.knowledgerush.com

I go for long-stemmed dudes. I do. We'll get into the "why" later, but, suffice it to say, no matter how chivalrous a gent is, he tends not to light my fire if I tower over him (all 5'4" of me).

Still, I got a new perspective after recently lamenting the vertical challenges of some otherwise appealing boy, when my friend dryly replied, "I don't really go for tall guys. I like to be face-to-face when I fight."

Which makes sense... unless he rides a horse!

Watch Out, Boy, She'll Chew You Up

At a work-related event, I met and was immediately impressed with a self-made business woman who, at the age of 77, is still as sharp as a tack. Our conversation covered many topics including (surprise!) dating. She is two years a widow after a 33-year marriage and just met someone great on Match.com. That's worth a blog post, right there, but it gets better.

I lightly tossed off, as I've been counseled to do: "If you know of any fabulous guys my age, send 'em my way!" She caught me on my way out and announced, "You know, I was 37 when I met my husband. He was 24." The only possible response to this is, "Awesome!" Which is how I replied, and how she snared me. She said she'd like me to meet her grandson, and I readily agreed, learning moments later that, of course...he's 10 years younger.

And, that, my friends, is how I came to have a dinner date planned with a sassy septuagenarian and a manchild 2/3 my age. "Whoah-oh, here she comes..."

♂ + ♀ → ♂≡♀

Five Fun Facts about the science librarian at my place of employment:

1. He's a "he."
2. He rides a motorcycle.
3. He has never been to Disneyland. Yet...
4. When I left his office this afternoon, I had managed to wrangle from his Prize Drawer (Fact 3.5: He has a Prize Drawer) a shiny red pencil whose eraser end is formed into the shape of Mickey Mouse ears.
5. As of this writing, he has not yet emailed to invite me for a ride.

Stay tuned, science fans, because it is, most certainly, the perfect time of year for a chopper ride...

image: http://scienceblogs.com

Where Not to Meet a Man, v.4

I genuinely love my dad's dating advice, not because it's been effective, but because it's eclectic. He's on this third marriage, so he should know a thing or two about wooing, right? 



Anyway, Pops once suggested that I might meet a good man, "at the health food store or the laundromat." I thought this was fairly practical, since organic produce and clean shorts rate high in my book. But, my mother, no stranger to roughing it, pointed out, "You want a guy with his own washer and dryer!" Touché. 


Speaking of which, Tangzine has a great Laundromat Love post! 

Awkhole

I sort of relish awkward dating moments, which are so preciously human. Of course, I'd rather have awesome than awkward, but I prefer awkward to arid. It keeps things interesting. That said, I was not consciously trying for wince-inducement on a recent first date.

To set the scene: The guy seemed intelligent and well-intentioned, but had a strange demeanor and I got a strange vibe. He asked if I'd like to get together again, and I wasn't sure. If he was like this all the time, the answer would be no. However, if his labored speech was the result of nerve-induced pre-gaming... maybe it would be worth another try? I fumbled a bit, then heard someone ask in my voice: "Are you a little bit drunk?" 

Unfortunately, he did not take this in the spirit of sincere inquiry with which I intended it. He promptly retracted his 2nd date request and I promptly fled. Walking home, I felt like that other "A" word -- the kind that ends in "hole." Note to self: a simple "no, thank you," will generally suffice.

PS: He sent me a LinkedIn request the next day. I guess that means all is forgiven?

Love in the Time of Nasal Irrigation

It had all the makings of a great romance: near-disaster, redemption, and a connection that was more than skin-deep...

I and three colleagues were struggling to get the speakers working for an event which was to begin in just minutes. Lucky for us, a professional sound crew was within dragging distance, and drag we did. Our rescuer was a rough-around-the-edges cutie in all black (on the short side, but with humor and attitude to make up for it) who worked fast while bemoaning his terrible allergies and mincing no words about our shoddy equipment. He got us ship-shape in no time and, as you can imagine, I thought it was a great chance to make a new friend.

My coworkers dispersed to greet arriving guests, and I did what any clever and flirtatious gal would. After some extraneous thanks and a small bit of wiggling to the music now blasting from the speakers, I went in for the kill.

"Have you ever used the Neti Pot?"

(I'll take a moment to let the sheer brilliance of that one sink in.)

Yes, friends, it's true. It was quite the opening line. I'ma let you ponder how things turned out...

image: http://paxarcana.wordpress.com

Namaste!

Happy Anniversary, Dad & Liz!

I honor of my dad and stepmother's 17th anniversary, a transcript of a voicemail from him that I have saved from a couple years ago. For obvious reasons, it simple cannot be deleted:

"It seems... it occurs to me... that a good place for dating opportunities might be, like, the local theatre, y'know? That's where I met Elizabeth, doing a local production of Bertolt Brecht's* [sees a friend] -- Hi, Stan -- The Madwoman of Chaillot. For what it's worth...

image: TheAge.edu. From an Australian production, of which the reviewer opines,
"This production disappoints on so many levels it's difficult to know where to begin."
Sigh, no one said theatre was easy.  I guess it's a risky business... just like love!   

[msg cont...] But, if you really want my real recommendation, if you wanna meet nice young men... the Kingdom Hall, the local Kingdom Hall. But, that'd be the one situation where you'd have to qualify by [chuckle] getting baptized, and having goals that were in line with their goals. So, the best would be the Kingdom Hall, but then, second to that, more available, would be the local theatre -- maybe. I don't know. Just let me know whether you think these are good suggestions... or whether you want any suggestions [deep chuckle]. Anyway, I love you. It was fun to talk to you the other day. Bye-bye."


* This is a word-for-word transcription. The play is by Jean Giraudoux. Let's not split hairs.

The Being Picked-Up Artists

image: foundmagazine.com

Check out Disfunctional Bachelor, my adopted male counterpart on Pacific Standard Time, posting on that sport-of-all-sports, The Pickup.

Once you've peeked, you'll know why I say I AM TRYING THIS TECHNIQUE ASAP!!! 


Love,
Blondie

...And they lived happily ever after...

Happy Anniversary to my sweet big brother, Rick, and his lovely bride of 14 years, Jennifer.

http://usemetoday.com/relationships/first-love/

Met: In college. I imagine the institution has since revised its policy for male squatters visitors in female dorms.
Courtship: He sat behind her in class, dropping candy into the hood of her sweatshirt.
Famous Early Date: McDonald's. Rick invited, then realized he had $1 in his pocket. Jen treated.
He Puts Up With: Being the subject of embarrassingly lovey-dovey poetry (coming soon!).
She Puts Up With: 10 years in a home under varying degrees of construction. (Who needs a bathroom sink when you can brush your teeth in the shower?)
Where Are They Now? Three strong, beautiful, Tae Kwon Do-medal-winning children and a respectable pet rotation in a big red house with a stunning view of the valley in her Western Montana hometown, blessedly near where the buffalo roam. She's still writing and he's still home-improving.
My Anniversary Wish: May the sun shine long and warm on this family. May the snow melt by July. May the bear tracks be fresh (but not too fresh!). May this devoted pair continue make each other laugh out loud, almost 20 years after "he won her with a burrito."

XOXO, 
Blondie

The Very Long Goodbye

Remember when I mentioned the power of the "Take Care?" Well, my friends, I have seen it in action!

image: http://ma-nouvelle-vie-en-france.blogspot.com

I went on two dates with C____, then spent the next week convincing him that our relationship had run its course. I told him so in person, and he asked me to reconsider. I did, but the next day I confirmed via text, that it wasn't in the cards for us, best of luck, take care!" That's when the real fun began.


First, he texted. Then, he left a voicemail message.  I ignored these and awoke to a rather ominous text, inviting himself over that morning. Like, yikes! Again, silence from me until, mid-morning, he emailed.

I bit. I called to clear up any confusion, and I thought we were square. Later, this spacemail gem: "Having any regrets yet? I've been in bed all these last three days, eating containers of chocolate Haagen-Dazs." 

image: uweekly.com

Again, silence from Blondie, who figures this will have to run its course fairly soon. It did, but not until I'd received roses at work from "An Admirer." Holy Persistance, Batman! 

As of this writing, the lovestruck Romeo has found a different streetlight to wait under. May he go in peace. And may I have learned the lesson of "Take Care!"

PS: Dude has a PhD. Serves me right.

Beware the "Take Care!"

I can't believe I'm only just learning that "Take Care," is useless as a brush-off. How did I miss this crucial intell?



I tossed off the phrase recently, via text, intending to convey a cheerful au revoir. A friend hooted -- "You gave him the TC?! Watch out, Babe!" Turns out, it's like wiggling your tush and calling "catch me if you can!" Sho'nuff, the chase was ON after that. (Watch this page for details.)


Note to self: "Take care" is a verbal wave of the cloak to the charging bull. Use sparingly, lest ye risk being romantically gored by an undauntable, unsuitable suitor. Ole!