Dating Dictionary

Taste-Text [teyst-text]- noun

image: bostonfieldfocus.com

1. using text messages to determine the suitability/character/appeal of a potential date.
2. non-verbal "conversation" in 160-character snippets, often employing now-standard abbreviations and several variations of smiley faces.
3. has generally replaced the phone call in pre-first-date or inter-date communications.

4. does no favors for gents who haven't mastered the art of the being witty, wise, and warm via a touchscreen keypad -- "Hey. What's Up?" won't get him far.

5. conversely: beware, ladies, the text king who can wrap you around his little finger with a flick of his "send" button. You never can tell what will happen when you try to move from the test kitchen to the dining room! (Yes, there's a story there...)

Q: What Have We Learned About a Philosophiae Doctors??

I have already presented Exhibits A & B, validating my hands-off-the-prof policy. Need more proof? Read on...

He was the Hot Visiting Professor lecturing on anthropology/ethnomusicology. I was, in his e-words, "the really cute blonde chick" seated next to his co-presenter.


HVP (no.pun.intended.) was cute, smart, irreverent, and completing a yearlong residency in my neck of the woods. Nothing seemed more logical than electronically come-hithering him mere weeks before he returned the 900 miles from whence he had come. I jotted off a quick congrats on his presentation and, just like that, I met my match and quickly realize I needed to extinguish that spark before yours truly became the really cute, blonde, tinder.

He was WAY flirtatious, and quite aggressive in his academic mumbo-jumbo word play. Lots of "Who is the viewer? Is this an authentic performance? Yada, yada." The exchange lasted only a few days and culminated in this surprising-yet-unsurprising message from him:

shall we proceed to following Bakhtin's utopian advice and temporarily suspend social hierarchies and normative forms of etiquette and behavior in the near term future and ponder over the nature of the occasional beauty of grotesque bodies? it might be extremely gratifying, even if only temporarily so.

Translation, for those who don't speak Psuedo-Erudite Academician: "Let's get naked and *&%$!" Needless to say, Bakhtin went unheeded by Blondie this time.

On-Call Dating

We all receive work calls/emails outside the office now and then, and, yes, they interrupt social functions. Bummer, but, I get it. And, obviously, doctors have that whole "potential life-threatening emergency" thing to deal with, so slack can be cut for medical professionals.

Nonetheless, I was entirely amazed during a date with a psychiatrist who was not, it must be stated, officially on-call that night. After returning a page from the car on the way to the restaurant ("I really shouldn't be having this conversation in front of you, for confidentiality reasons, but..."), he took two more calls regarding the same not-on-death's-door patient. Props to him for being responsible. The calls aren't my beef. But, I really thought he might step away from the table while he worked. Au contraire, mes amies! Instead, he sat there the whole time, and I heard every not-my-beeswax word. Maybe he thought it would have been ruder to leave me alone, but I'd opt for my own company rather than silently chewing my steak and trying not to listen/make eye contact as he negotiated with irate relatives about the care plan for a seriously troubled woman whose husband had left it to the sisters to advocate on her behalf while he stayed home. (See what I mean? TMI x 100!)

On the other hand, I guess I could have retreated, myself, and called him on his other line: "Paging Dr. ______. This date is in Code Red!"

In sum, this reminds me to glad things never got off the ground with the ER doc. There is always a silver lining...

More Romantic Than Morse Code

An online dating suitor recently wanted to take our email courtship to the next level. He wrote, very respectfully, "Do you have a phone or fax number you can be reached?"

Meeting, greeting, retreating...

Oh, holy eavesdropping!

image: http://www.esquire.com/features/firstdate0208

I'm not doing this on purpose, but can't resist. I am at my local coffee haunt, overhearing what is most certainly a first date. The guy has just asked a girl if she'd like to come watch a game at his house and then "sleep over." Just flat-out, like that! It appears that she is tolerating this silliness, for some reason.

A few other gems from this dude (who, to be fair, seems clueless, but harmless):
"I'm gonna get my own place..."
"Are you the kind of girl who wants to, like, go to Montreal, and trips like that?"
"It never works out to bring girls camping..."
"You're tired. You're tired. What time is it? Well, if you want to hang out one more hour..."

I promise, it's not my goal to embarrass or make fun of anyone. But, ladies, here's the takeaway: it's OK to end the date! Anytime after 20 minutes, you're golden and can make a polite, and hasty, retreat.

Bon soir, Monsieur. xx

Awkhole

I sort of relish awkward dating moments, which are so preciously human. Of course, I'd rather have awesome than awkward, but I prefer awkward to arid. It keeps things interesting. That said, I was not consciously trying for wince-inducement on a recent first date.

To set the scene: The guy seemed intelligent and well-intentioned, but had a strange demeanor and I got a strange vibe. He asked if I'd like to get together again, and I wasn't sure. If he was like this all the time, the answer would be no. However, if his labored speech was the result of nerve-induced pre-gaming... maybe it would be worth another try? I fumbled a bit, then heard someone ask in my voice: "Are you a little bit drunk?" 

Unfortunately, he did not take this in the spirit of sincere inquiry with which I intended it. He promptly retracted his 2nd date request and I promptly fled. Walking home, I felt like that other "A" word -- the kind that ends in "hole." Note to self: a simple "no, thank you," will generally suffice.

PS: He sent me a LinkedIn request the next day. I guess that means all is forgiven?

The Very Long Goodbye

Remember when I mentioned the power of the "Take Care?" Well, my friends, I have seen it in action!

image: http://ma-nouvelle-vie-en-france.blogspot.com

I went on two dates with C____, then spent the next week convincing him that our relationship had run its course. I told him so in person, and he asked me to reconsider. I did, but the next day I confirmed via text, that it wasn't in the cards for us, best of luck, take care!" That's when the real fun began.


First, he texted. Then, he left a voicemail message.  I ignored these and awoke to a rather ominous text, inviting himself over that morning. Like, yikes! Again, silence from me until, mid-morning, he emailed.

I bit. I called to clear up any confusion, and I thought we were square. Later, this spacemail gem: "Having any regrets yet? I've been in bed all these last three days, eating containers of chocolate Haagen-Dazs." 

image: uweekly.com

Again, silence from Blondie, who figures this will have to run its course fairly soon. It did, but not until I'd received roses at work from "An Admirer." Holy Persistance, Batman! 

As of this writing, the lovestruck Romeo has found a different streetlight to wait under. May he go in peace. And may I have learned the lesson of "Take Care!"

PS: Dude has a PhD. Serves me right.

Beware the "Take Care!"

I can't believe I'm only just learning that "Take Care," is useless as a brush-off. How did I miss this crucial intell?



I tossed off the phrase recently, via text, intending to convey a cheerful au revoir. A friend hooted -- "You gave him the TC?! Watch out, Babe!" Turns out, it's like wiggling your tush and calling "catch me if you can!" Sho'nuff, the chase was ON after that. (Watch this page for details.)


Note to self: "Take care" is a verbal wave of the cloak to the charging bull. Use sparingly, lest ye risk being romantically gored by an undauntable, unsuitable suitor. Ole!